cross your mouth and hope to live.

there's been some good days this year.
going out round Chez, my birthday, George's party, sleepovers, trips to the cinema, days out..
there's also been some bad days.
overall....2010 hasn't been my favourite.
and if it wasn't for the good stuff..i'd say it's been the worse year so far.

there are no words to describe how i feel.
i float.
i get by...just.
i cope.

i can survive for now.
but i'm not enjoying it.

i don't want to see anyone...

but i force myself to.

she still won't talk to me.
it's been about 3 months now.
it's nearly christmas...
my first christmas without our friendship.
then my first new years.
we've never not spoken in so long.
we've never even not seen each other in so long.
in...9 and a half years...
i don't know what to do.

i should be happy.
i have a lovely boyfriend.
good friends.
a job.
3 university acceptances.
i'm getting my Maths GCSE finally next year.
i'm getting £1500 next year.
i turn 18 next year.
i start driving lessons soon.
and it's nearly christmas.

i can see why i could be happy.
but i'm not.
i'm dissatisifed because my life doesn't include her anymore.
and i would swap the rest of my life for one day of our friendship, over 70 more years without it...

favourite video viral?

favourite video viral?

Answer here

KoRn ♥

KoRn last night were AMAZING. ♥
i got some videos of them, but my gay phone hasn't came up with them -____-
it does that sometimes.
i know they're on my memory card..but it wont let me see 'em...& my pc can't recognise video/music files....so will have to wait 'til i'm either round someone's house or i get my laptop for xmas! xD we'll see which one comes first. ;)

they might appear before then anyway..that sometimes happens.

♫ a lonely life where noone understands you, but don't give up, because the music do.
^____^

the pics are up on facebook, but i'll attach a few onto this :)

it was really nice to meet Mali + Josh ^___^
bit scary to begin with 'cause i had to walk over to them and i was having a nervy b inside. :L
but they're both really nice :)
her and Josh make a super sweet couple.

hmmm i never know what to do on Mondays.
probably should be doing an assignment....but CEEEEEBS.
ugh. practical tomorrow.
-___-
butttttt dog grooming :D yey. ♥
i thoroughly enjoy that lesson ^_____^

i watched Bride Wars earlier for the first time and ended up bawling :
at the end, it was going on about finding that person who will always be there for you and understands yourself better than you do etc, they could come in the form of a spouse or best friend...........
the last bit was the bit that got me........
i don't really know what to do atm.
it's all very well Jee saying i have best friends, i have her, Bibbs + the college lot etc....
but you can't just wipe away 9 years?
NINE whole years of my life.
9 out of 17.
that's the majority of it.
over half of my life..
so i don't really know.....that's all i can say, it's hard to explain.
i'm just kind of floating about between people.

not that she cares.
she's obviously so caught up in him that our friendship doesn't mean anything to her anymore.
ho hum eh.
it's not me in the wrong.

i'm actually glad about going to Lincoln next year.
or wherever i'll end up going (but hopefully Lincoln!)...
just to get away from everything.
there's too many memories everywhere.
memories of everyone..of happier times.
i just need a fresh start.
so i'll trip my way through college.
& hopefully stumble into university next September..

ohand something i realised this morning....
i've been signed up for Functional Skills Maths on a Thursday evening, like 5.30-8 or something.....
but my counsellor said the Group Anxiety Therapy i've also been signed up for is on a Thursday evening...
and that i'm not allowed to miss any :.......
soooooooooo what am i meant to do?
if i miss Maths there's the risk of not getting into Uni or at least not onto the higher course.
but if i don't go to the anxiety group...i have to live with my head screwing around with me even longer.....they only do the group once every so often...and i'm not sure if the next one will be on a different day......

so i really don't know what to do................
advice would be welcome.
kthx.

xx

the pussycat dolls version of Tainted Love is SHOCKING.

why am i listening to this? -___- it's SHIITTTTEEEEEEEEE.

hello bloggers. thought i'd treat you with a post seeing as i don't think i've posted since August :)
a lot has happened :L
everything's kinda floaty atm.
me and Lh have fallen out BIGTIME.
we haven't spoke in like 3 weeks.......

Izzy's bday on Sunday.
and KoRn on Sunday night!!!! :D
Vati's driving me up to Manchester and back! ♥ i lavv himmm ^-^

need to buy IzBiz some mice/winter white hamster tomorrow...>.<.

why the hell am i listening to Rihanna? Pon De Replay...AND it's the "Full Phatt Version"...
dearlord..:
BIBBS. i'm shocked you have this on your itunes!!! xD

i get to meet Mali on Sunday. :o
will be nice :D hopefully not awkward : i'll hide behind Jee >.<>

rate looking forward to it :D

have bought Jee 5 things so far for her birffday (y)
ooo i do splash out on her! i never buy so much for one person!
mainly because i can't afford it! :L

muchooo lovooooo all you sexy minxes.
i'll do a blog monday to tell you about meeting Mali+Josh and KoRn :D

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

doctor doctor it's getting worse again.

its coming back.
like a lurking presence.
the feeling of being completely overwhelmed.
it came back just.
....
and now nothing.
something in my freaky body blocks everything.

if you ignore it, it'll go away.
it's not real.
this isn't actually me.

i don't feel like me.
it doesn't feel like all this shit has happened to me.
it's like im looking down on someone's life and things tend to cock up for them.

tears.

...
x

swept under your mum.

my birthday was fun. :)
party was coooool and got some lovely prezzys...

just feeling a little...meh..atm.
have been since about 4 tbh...
my mood went rate downhill after Lh left..

hm.

do you actually want me to go along too?..
it doesn't feel like it...

x

the original whorechild.

jeepers creepers, i haven't written on this properly in aaaages man :o

thought i'd treat all you little bloggers to a post (y)
mainly because a miss Ellie Martin told me to a few weeks back at George's party ><>

so im going to the doctors tomorrow...funfun.
mum tried to book me into counselling but you have to get a doc's referral first or something...
so it's gonna be larfs all round tomo...
not looking forward to it at alll.
i love my doctor..but when i tried to talk to him about my mirror phobia before, he just gave me such a look..urgh....-cringe-

i think there's an moth in my pants....D:

saturday..hmm...OH it's nanny's birthday :) so myself, my nanny (obvs), Arwah, my Uncle Mike, my mum and my mum's boyfriend are going out for a meal :) a carvery...of course.
i don't even like carverys all that much? :<..>

sunday ill be at my daddyooooo's. hopefully picking up my prezzys..tho im not too hopeful as on Tuesday he asked what i wanted...o____o...7 days before Father? ragh!

monday, im appa meeting Annie and Jee in Derby at around 2pm to pick 'em up. charmin, i have to pay to go and pick them up, despite them knowing how to get to mine? xD plus Jee never meets me in chez >___> cheeky sod.
nvm, i dont mind that much. i'd just get bored and fidgety waiting for them anyhoo :L

need to arrange when Bibbs is gonna get to mine also...and K's coming sometime in the evening i reckon?
then...sleepoveeeerrrrrrr!!!! :D

tuesday, my birthday! ♥ woowoowoo.
17...scary man. :
16 was bad 'nuff D:
you can't be immature at 17.....:L

btyh, im really happy with my muvverrr (y) she's kindly agreed to sleepover her boyf's monday and tuesday so i have 'nuff room for people sleeping...and she's buying some drinks :o which i wasnt expecting her to do! ...hmm..need to force her to take me shopping tomo...i wanted some pink and black stripey tights...god knows where im gonna find them!!! >_<..

...hmmm...noone's talking now :L

sometimes it feels like everyone is ganging up on me...
everyone's so desperate to talk to me about my "problem" with SH...everyone wants to know why and all the reasons......and literally everyone is getting involved.
my mum, my dad, my boyfriend's mother???!! my auntie, my cousin, my best friends..now my doctor..then a counsellor....aaarghhhhhhh.
but noone understands?
well..some people do...
Jee does.
and i know Mali does..but i don't talk to her often so it doesn't count really.
i just wish everyone would get off my back a bit.
Bibbs and Lh are 'worried' or w.e.
ditto my 'rents.
ditto EVERYONE.
it's like it's a new thing..a new occurance...
like it hasn't been going on for months....11 of them infact..
and it's only just kicking off..and i don't like it.
if it was so bad..i wouldn't be happily..ish.....sitting at the computer now.
it's been overexaggerated and it's just making it worse.
im only not now because there's so many people 'keeping an eye on me' that it's not worth being found out....

everyone tells me they're disappointed in me, or begs me to stop, or tells other people that i've changed and they want the old me back.....

i understand that everyone is upset about it....but what about me?
don't they think it doesn't hurt me to know they've been saying that?
to know they're disappointed or worried and begging me to stop.
or saying to my family that i've changed....beyond recognition?
IM STILL HERE.
........
im just a little different.

it's my body.
it's my life.
ill tell who i want.
just leave me be....

it's not even that bad...i don't usually do it everyday....only when im going through a rough patch.
it isn't seriously injuring me.
hardly scarring me..
only sometimes.
in 5 years, noone will know.

i don't have any reasons.
it's noone's fault.
it's only mine, and i accept full responsibilty.
so please everyone, stop trying to take that from me....
in the politest way possible, it's got nothing to do with you.

and just because i don't confide in you..doesn't mean i dont love you.
aimed at Lh and Bibbs.
you guys have been my best friends for years and years....9year and 6 years infact...
i owe both of you so so much....
but you don't understand..
and im glad you don't.
because i dont want you in my mess.
i don't want to drag you down with me!
im still here. ♥
i just can't tell you about it.... because you get upset..or angry....
and i can't be responsible for that....because it'll just make it a hundred times worse....

JeeJee, you seem to be the only person who understands me these days...though you still don't understand 100%.
but if i don't..how can i expect anyone else?
thankyou so much for everything you've done.
♥

im gonna beat this....
i don't know how long it will take...
because i don't want to stop.
and i still need it.
my view of everything is probably 'clouded' or w.e.

-sigh-

pip pip xx

ggblo.....TUT....I FORGOT HOW MUCH OF A DOUCHE BLOGGER IS ON MOBILES-....IF I MAKE ANY MISYAKES-...MY BAD....AND NO..I CANT EVEN TAKE IT OUT OF CAPS?!!ANYHOO.....I HAVENT BEEN ON TGIS IS DONKS....*THIS IN DONKS..EVEN D:!!!   IVE DECIDED...IM ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SICK TO DEATH OF MEN...IM COMPLETELY DISTURVED...*DISTURVED..FROM TONIGHT :((....MSJFRUMSPKMTIPXMWKQURUOIWYXNAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

first in a while..

muse - neutron star collision

"Our love would be forever
And if we die, we die together
Well I, I said never
Cause our love would be forever"

just been singing that..xx

fucking finally.

about time, it just took me ages to load this :o
ugh i have got evil back ache :(
bloody assignments.

well ive done pass for breeding and genetics.
so that's something, lol.
tho im going for distinction so ive asked for an extension til thursday.
hopefully i wont get a scad..i'd like to get ema next week tah...

i hope jee gets up to date with hers.

well...hmm...i dunno what to say.
its not gonna be a good night.
i dont want to talk to anyone again.
noone try and comfort me please.
leave me be.

though noone will read this tonight probably.
hmm.

bye xx

....

wow, its amazing how fast this feeling of emptyness returns after Lh is gone.
...hmm..2 more weeks, then another weekend of relief.
though saying that, it fades around jee too.

im scared of what might happen tonight.
i dont know.

jee was meant to sleepover but the sunday service for buses FAIL majorly.

hmmmm.
i might get some coco pops later.
theres enough for a teeny bowl.

x

blahhh

life's fun with Lh :)
i'd forgotten how much fun.
i like this blissfulness.
lets hope it lasts!

xx

....ow.

fucking love.

in other news, i came 5th in the grand national.


guess whats gonna happen with me tonight.
yey.

im trying to hold it together. head is lighter than a feather. looks like im not getting better not getting better.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/missloraamy

wednesday 7th april.

it's about ten to seven. mum's work friends will be round in an hour for tea.
i had sausages, mash and mushy peas.
the mushy peas tasted really weird and made me feel sick.

ive got cloudy lemonade ♥

my party's got a theme now.
animals.
that should be fun.

im gonna try and convince/persuade jee to let me borrow/rent one of the outfits she has.
i think she's going as a bee :)
that's bound to be attractive. ;)

it shall be good.
im looking forward to it.

trying to meet up with izzy tomorrow, seeing as my mum is going out for lunch.
i really wanna go see how to train your dragon.
was meant to go see it today but i overslept.

i was up until about 2am just staring at my notebook though.
i wanted to draw/write something, but i couldn't think of any inspiration.

i havent done a lot today really.
but it's been alright.

there's a weird mist next to me coming from the incense stick.
it looks creepy :)

my hair so needs washing.

im gonna end up spending all of tonight in my room..seeing as i cant really go on the pc while they're eating (my pc is in the dining room).
i so need a laptop.

mum's nagging at me for washing up badly.
yep.
never mind ey.

was looking at mum's camera today. found some old pics from last year i never uploaded. :L
made me smile.

♥ xx

we're flying high, you know how i feel.

its a new dawn its a new day its a new life, for me.
and im feeling good.

halloooo. cant remember when i last wrote in here?
didnt check.

so much has cracked off.
and settled back down.
for now at least.

billy talent - pins and needles.
lh told me to listen to it and the lyrics make a lot of sense tbh!

this whole thing with jon.
...
i dont even know.


saturday night was amazing. :) :)
i love nightclubbing :D :D :D

xx

[instrumental]

today's been alright tbh.
was super to see everyone.
missed them more than i'd realised.
bit weird in farming, but soon got back into routine.

the whole texting thing in behaviour was funny :L
daft sods. ♥

"hello, ive waited here for you, everlong".
good grief havent listened to this in months :o

well...
safari park tomooooo :)
getting taken to le cinema on thursday..and how to train your dragon is out tomo so i wanna go see ittttt!!!!! :D plus bibbs is sleeping.
friday, whole day with bibbs :3
sat, seeing lh ;D
sun, at dad's.

...and i dunno for the rest of the week :L

weekend starting 22nd (tech the thurs but we dont have col on fridays) is gonna be MINT :D :D :D
annie is sleeping the whole weekend :L
funnnn x]

writing t'other blog now.
so..jee and mali can read it :L
but thats it x]
lmao nothing interested.

and no, sorry, im not telling you yet :3

xxx

sweet love of mine..♫

ive cheered up a considerable amount today.
which is good. :)

scot's party failed.
ended up me with lou/luke. ¬_¬
as much as i love both of them, and love hanging out with them..i cant cope sitting next to them alone while they make out.
gah.

listening to mcfly now? :L

im gonna get killed for my fail attempt at farming...

xx

malison...

that song is very apt for the way ive been feeling.
thankyou. ♥

in better news, im in the final of miss derby.
should be good :)

a day to myself tomorrow....thats gonna be..........interesting.
sleeping over lou's though. ♥

xx

that changes everything.

i found out things last night that have haunted me all day.
im crying for her.
♥ x

are you ok?

people are always asking me if im alright these days.
and i wish i could reply with something optimistic and cheery like "yes im fabbity fab thanks cupcake :D :D"
i used to reply like that.
nowadays, i just pretend to be happy, fake the smile, the laughter.
its all forced.
inside im like a shell. overdramatic i know.
i am prone to being overdramatic.
but thats the only way to describe it.
all my feelings have gone and i dont know what im meant to do.

i was in a relationship for 8 months, and went straight from that, into another one with someone else.
but now im back to where i was a year ago.
april 3rd. the day i changed and became so so much happier with myself and my life. when i was optimistic and loved just being alive.

but now im alone, now i have noone, i just exist.
everyday feels like a chore.
i dont want to do anything.
i just want to curl up in bed forever and think.
i told myself i wouldnt let myself think much anymore because it just causes anxiety and doubt..but thats all i can do.
i cant even be bothered to think now.

i had a dream last night but i cant remember what about.
i told lh as soon as i woke up.

its been a good weekend, i should be extremely happy.
but im back in my boring routine.
wake up, college, home, eat, sleep.
i dont go out anymore.
bibbs's always busy, she does have a boyf now to worry about.
and i honestly dont have anyone else.
i could meet up with scot, but he has a tendancy to bring me down even more, though that's not usually intentional..if it ever is at all.
who else have i got?

july ♥ im holding out til then.
the month lh moves in with her dad and i have a reason to smile again.

xx

miss derby.

hallooo all :)
im in a super good mood now :D
its brilliant ^_^

just finished my pass for health so dont have to worry about that :D

well...
ill explain all...

got there few mins late cause mum took a wrong turning, there was two other girls with mums/friends, so we sat down next to them. random girl came along, gave us some leaflets, i had to fill out this form thing, then this woman from radio derby came along, interviewed the girl next to me briefly, then asked if she could interview me and i said yeah, so spoke to her for a while..which ended up being scarier than the actual interview with kate! (organised of miss derby) :L :L her mic was recording it! lmaoooo. then she interviewed my mum. my number (39) got called out, and i went in to the interview room. kate was really nice actually, and there was another woman next to her who was really nice too :) us three just full on grinned the whole time for like 15 mins :L made her laugh by showing her my eyebrow dance (appa im gonna do that for the talent round if i get through to the final! :L good grief)..then chatted about college and everything. told her about castrating lambs at college and she grimaced :L finished the interview, payed her a tenner, got more forms, went through to have my headshot done. had to wait around for 10 mins because his camera had broke. took the headshot, looked ok, so said bye, radio derby was taking photos of him taking photos of me :L also she recorded my interview! and missed the first bit so she made me come back in to say hello and introduce myself again! lmao! :L that was just weird!!!...anyway..she came over to me before i left, asked me how i think it went, if it was scary, what happens next etc, then i said bye to everyone again and left :L

so...monday, radio derby, between 7 and 9 am..listen out! ill be on it :L lmao! x]

it was scary being recorded :L paha.

so...lh's birthday today :D :D
im getting picked up between 3.30 and 4pm :D
then probs goin back to hers for a snack/get ready..and goin to sheffield with her, james, russ and kel to see ICE HOCKEY :D:D:D
go panthers!!! x]

im glad i have this bliss to fall back into atm.
modelling always cheers me up <3

i dont think ill get through to the finals though.
the girls there were really pretty!
and there was a full on tarty girl before me who was like size 4 with huge boobs :s and HUGE hair and huge makeup! :L but she cant be a glamour model cause you're not allowed to have public photos of yourself topless/nude in this competition :P pahaha xD

well..toodle pip :D
xxxxx

paranoia

Eisoptrophobia: An abnormal and persistent fear of mirrors. Sufferers experience undue anxiety even though they realize their fear is irrational. Because their fear often is grounded in superstitions, they may worry that breaking a mirror will bring bad luck or that looking into a mirror will put them in contact with a supernatural world inside the glass.

thankyou bibbs for telling me the name of that. :) ♥

well..that's part of what i have. :L

it's been an interesting week.
it's gone really quickly actually. O_o
next week i wont have annie or jee.
hmm...

i got to hold some lambs tho on tuesday :)

its friday.
my day off.
my mum doesnt work fridays either now.
but she's out at nanny's.

ive got miss derby semifinals tomo morning.
really cba.
nice time for my skin to break out.
¬_¬

so superficial.

i had an epiphany the other day.
but i cant remember what about.

everyone kept bugging me yesterday.
lois randomly said at lunch "if josh asked you out again, what would you say?"
...dunno.
yesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesno.....

ugh.
it would be so much more convinient if ...oh i dont know.
i dont even know what i was gonna write?

its never convinent.
since when is love convinent.
especially for me.

meant to be doing health but cba.
ill do it in a bit.

bleurgh.

made a heart plushie last night.
took me about 3 hours, and its still shit :L
will put a pic of it on here when i can.
...be arsed..that is :L

"oh amy. rehab never looked so good. i cant wait. im going back. haha. wooo."

xx

but my heart is still wide open.

♫ i cant stop dont care if i lose, baby you are the weapon i choose, these wounds are self inflicted, im going down in flames for you, baby you are the weapon i choose, these wounds are self inflicted.

"an ocean, of emotion, my heart rips me wide open" = me.

well...i cba to write to this blog really :L
been alright today.
jee wasnt in, and nor was izzy, so had a loooot of cleaning.
gave me time to think.
which is really all that good :s
im gonna be a crazy cat lady when im older, distracting myself from thinking by playing with cats :L
currently trying to convince mum to have this gorgey cat called Shaun (Y)
i want a tomcat :( plus he's long haired ;o gorgey porgey.

i have a new blog.
the url is.......
MWAHAHAHA.
no.
im not writing my new blog's url on here.
not yet anyway.
because i dont want anyone to read it :)
just thought i'd tease you all ;)
when everything's over..i MAY post it.
might not.
try and guess the url if you like..you'll never get it.

xx

shoop shoop shoop shoop..

ive been in a better mood today.
funny day at work exp. :)
when we dropped jee off, izzy and i were left in the car for about 10 minutes while our boss went and dropped a cat off at someone's house..and the shoop shoop song - cher came on..and we started mad dancing :L it was hilarious :D :D

*sigh*

this is so not fair.

....ugh.

off to dad's in 20 mins.

xx

ill follow you until you love me..

hulloooo.
well..didnt feel v.well today..so didnt go into work.
all ive done today is plan my outfit for saturday...make a list (annie would be v.proud!) and watch shameless :L
my mum's going away in like april time..sooo..HOUSE PARTY :P
hahahaha x]
only a few people..dont want the place wrecked O_o

ooo muse ♫

bleh..got belly ache.

bibbs came round last night, was groovy to chat to her again :)
ive missed her ♥
had a good natter about lads...and bush babys :L and found some HORRIBLE photos of me O_o and she's stolen the worst one :( :( :( if she keeps it for her private amusement..its alright..but if she dares show it to anyone..i will have to hunt her down :L

havent spoken to jee yet today..but she's working all day.

this weekend is gonna be fabbity fab with a million and one knobs on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
right....

Today -
Pop into ilkeston/derby to go to the bank.
Pack overnight bag.
Go to Lh's.

Tomo -
LAY IN!!
Just a lazy day.
Get the bus from Lh's to ilkeston, then go straight over to Bibbs's.
Get dressed up in Alice-themed wear.
Get the r2 to notts, go to cornerhouse to see alice in wonderland (ooft johhny depp!)
Get back to Bibbs's and sleepover.

Sunday -
Get up freakishly early at like 7.
Get the bus into Derby.
Meet Izzy and Annie at around 9am.
Get the bus to Annies.
Go to twycross!!!
Get back to Annies and get a lift off Izzy's mum to mine.
....SLEEP!! :L

ahhh fun times :D

xx

cause we'll go out in style.

bah..ive got a bloody headache again :(
in a better mood today..been funny.
really ought to get some assignments done..but cba!! :L

erm...
not actually sure what to write :L
gonna put some music on..despite my headache.
right..wheres the calpol?

...took some calpol now.
erlack..it doesnt taste nice :L
six plus (Y) strawberry flavoured. i dont like the orange one x]
nomming on a digestive to wash the taste away :L

hmm..well mum isnt back for like 45 minutes.
and then im hiding upstairs :L
my hairdressers coming round to cut my mum's hair..and she doesnt know that i secretly hacked away at my locks and put in loads of really short layers..so now i have a mullet going on and its really obvious :L

im just browsing random things on deviantart.
boreddddddd.

went out on my trampoline earlier.
bounced about 5 times, til i realised how unfit i am..also was getting a random pain in my chest..kinda like my heart was smashing into my ribcage..so i stopped and layed down for half an hour. but i didnt know the trampoline was damp..and so the front of my jumper is now soaking. :L leaving it to dry in the sun. (Y) (not outside)

got bibbs coming round tonight, be nice to see her :) also sleeping over lh's tomo...and going to the zoo on sunday :D
ooo..that reminds me..need to text dad to let him know :L

nomming on coco pops.
owww my throat hurts :'(

theres a coco pop stuck in my brace :(....got it xD

im not gross.....:L

ive just been pondering about how much ive changed since school..in just a couple of months ;o
so so so much.
i dunno which me i like better...hmm

toodles xx

*blank expression*

im like a zombie.
except im feeling.
feeling way way too much.
it's ok, ill get so overwhelmed by it, that ill be numb again.

listening to katy perry.

just read annie's blog.
i wish my life were as happless as hers.
the only worry being college assignments.
tho they are a worry too.

jee is out down the pub with her mates.
i hope she's having fun.
she needs it.

and so im sitting her at my computer, after talking to josh and luke and getting a lot of "you'll be alright"'s ...feeling shit. been crying a bit too, but stopped now.

mum's watching white chicks.

i wish i could describe everything im feeling.
but that would mean explaining the entire situation.
which isnt good.

i choked on a scotch pancake earlier.
was worth it.

x

p.s. the pictures are of happier times.

fuck fuck fuck fuck SORRY!!

shit shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
..flob. O_o

im so so so so sorry :( :(
im such an airhead.
i cant believe i didnt think.
:( :( :( :(

i hope things get better.
im here for you. ♥

sorry to both of you. ♥

xx

coochie and big joe.

yo.
well today was alright.
3rd day at work...i feel old :L
in a surprisingly good mood this aftie.
i think izzy and her mum have that effect on me.
which is good :)
sadly..the music i listen to will most probably bring me back down :L

today was pretty hard-going. lot of physical energy required!
fortunately..i can now eat whatever the hell i like cause im just burning it back off in the day :L compared to college, im practically running miles.

babysitting tonight.
will be nice to see kirst again :)
even tho i only saw her last weekend :L

not much to say tbh.
i love coochie and big joe the cats :)
got attacked by a crazy lady today :L she wouldnt stop talking to me about her dead cat!!! :s
i was like "oh..erm k"
i hate her tho cause she took busby...who was my favvy kitten :/

i hope we get to socialise (aka play with) the kittens tomo. <3 >

off now xxx

do i regret it or not?

well i tried...
but failed :L
sorry josh.

had my first day of work experience today.
twas alright really.
hard work and im quite tired now and just want to lay down for a bit.
though my leg hurts now.
never mind.
ill be rate.
...

theres some really cute cats at cats protection :)
busby the kitten, greystone this grey and white sad looking pusscat and my fav..patience :) she looks like she's part persian because of her squished face :D ♥

not looking forward to tomo tho :L
just cba.
alwell..only 2 weeks and 4 days to go....

i should be hungry..seeing as i havent eaten since lunchtime apart from 4 mini eggs (go izzy's mum! you rock!)..but ive been nomming on 'talc mints' (tah annie) so im not hungry anymore :L
hmm...
bowl of coco pops...
VS..
bowl of chicken soup..
??!!!

♫ how did we get here, when i used to know you so well.

god i love paramore.
decode ♥

did more drawings last night..well...two..
one of alice (deviantart fursona... http://www.missloraamy.deviantart.com/ <<>

just my thoughts at the time on who am i.
i dont even understand myself.
hmm.

i havent been too bad today..just.....numb.
again.
still.
i can put on a very good face :)
theres been a few true smiles..but thats about it.
i dont really have many reasons to be happy.
im not healthy.
im not loved.
i dont have anything to make me happy.
apart from lh and my fam'.
occasionally bibbs..so it seems these days.
which is the biggest shame ever :/
i may have to go round hers thursday.
ill have to see.
maybe friday? hmm...

will shove some random pics on here from half term i guess.

xx

here we go again

"your daughter's depressed, we'll get her straight on the prozac, but little do you know, she already takes crack"

hello my old friend numbness.
i may actually create a character called numb.

bye bye my other reasons for living.
lh ♥
the. only. reason.

i think im gonna throw up

malicious little child

deary me, im in one of those moods again.
hmmm...jenny's fault. ¬_¬ cow. fuck off to scot.

oh dear...reminds me not to look out of windows in the dark.
just saw something..
as per.

god im messed up.

ugh..theres a person in the window.
i dont dare look again.
i just saw shoulders.

imaginattttiooooooonnnnnn.

you know, every single time i cross the road and there's a car on it's way?
you know what i think of?
i think of what it would be like if i just....stopped walking.
stopped infront of the car, or lorry, or van.
hmm.
not the nicest thought ever i suppose.
it's been on my mind all day.

laura heard ♥
the legend that makes my life a whole lot easier to live.
i think i'd have gone by now if it werent for her.

of course, bibbs too. though i dont see nearly enough of her these days.
im sorry for thursday.

and jee is the third one. i wish we could talk more, she's always busy. i just dont have a life. i exist with the same ritual, wake up, breathe, blog, sleep. and so on.

linkin park - in the end. ♥♥♥

saw scot at 30stm last night.
was a bloody AWESOME gig.
got moshed so much (Y)

no emoticons....well...apart from the ¬_¬ and the (Y)
that was stupid.

i can already feel it going.
byeeeeeeeeee whatever was left of the life i had.
the life where i never wore black, had a middle parting and always matched my tights with my top.
where i didnt cover up.
where i rarely wore eyeliner.

well thats all gone now.

welcome to the new world.

da da doo doo

da da da dance, dance, dance, just just just just dance :) ♫

ew..i had some prawn balls just left over from last night's chinky..and i think they went bad.
i keep burping and my tummy is a bit wobbly. :L
im probably gonna hurl in the night ¬_¬ never mind, im well overdue for one :L

bibbs is checkin cinema times for tomo.
jee was meant to be sleeping mine tomo night..but she was meant to text me tonight saying whether or not she could because of work on friday.
but she hasnt....¬¬
she is a bit unreliable atm :L
never mind.
ive been entertained by josh today ^_^
literally been talking to him ALL day ;o
we're getting on still :L
trying to convince him to tell me something atm.
PLEEEEEASE josh tell me!!!! :)

have told bibbs that percy jackson (lead lad in percy jackson blah blah blah some geeky film) is HOT ;) he bloody is!!! :P
ewww..it smells of cat poo :( erlack!!
oh great..it's mixed with the smell of prawns ¬¬

;o low phone battery! bah!!
but..lady gaga :D POKERFACE xD

*burps*
those prawns are making me burp.

damn..phone jus ran out of battery ¬_¬
ok..off now.

toodles!!

Lora :) xx

p.s. the pic of me and josh is the one that bothered me the other day...and remains the only one of us two that bothers me at all.

bonjourno ma amies

well, i had an absolutely fab time shopping yesterday with Bibbs and K :)
bought sooo much x]
i got this blazer and stripey tee to go with it..and i actually have curves!!
i havent seen them in ages.
all i wear is baggy tees this days ;o
im impressed :)

been talking to josh for a while today.
ive probs got a text from him now actually..but my phone's ran out of charge and i cba to grab my charger as im going to bed in a sec.

been nice to talk to him though.
actually been getting on like we're friends.
weird..but kinda nice.

jee, the daft sod, left her phone at work on sunday.
and only just text me at around 11am today.
she is forgetful :)
never mind.

im covered in cuts atm.
accidental ones!! ofc. i was getting my razor out my overnight bag t'other day, and accidentally cut myself loads when i was picking up other stuff and forgot it was in my hand.

cant remember if i mentioned that in my last blog? hmm.
probably :L

made pancakes today.
they all failed quite epically O.o
nice tho :)

had a blood test this morning.
i might have this disease called reinards..or however you spell it.
im gonna research it now...

oh no..it's "raynauds".

5 mins later...
well i hope i dont have that O.o
it doesnt sound too good tbh!
hmm.
google it.

but i dont have blue toes?
but they do go white a lot.
my tablets ive been taking help.
hmm.

anyway...no point in fretting :)
i think i just have slow blood circulation.
*groan*
ahhh shit.
every. single. time. i have a blood test, i get told im anaemic, and get put on bloody iron tablets/liquid ¬_¬ and last time i was low on folic acid too!
iron tablets are FOUL to crunch because i never used to be able to swallow them..but i can now probs. i've had to adapt..if i crunched my current ones...id die :L
iron liquid is even worse! it's literally like licking the side of a car. REALLY metallic :s
and folic acid liquid is like flem...it's even warm!! :s even if its been in the fridge! it's like lukewarm and the same consistancy as flem *boff*
erlack!!!!!!!!

i wonder what happens to you when you're anaemic...to google!!
well..
i do have VERY pale skin..it's always cold..i get shortness of breath (but im just lazy :L)....i have weak muscles (also lazy)..and i dunno about blood pressure? hmmm.

oh dear..it can cause heart attacks O.o
bah never mind :L
cba! x]

ok..thats all :)
v. medical blog today ;)

in other news..scot's ran away..but i think he's back at home again?
hmm..

xxx