are you ok?

people are always asking me if im alright these days.
and i wish i could reply with something optimistic and cheery like "yes im fabbity fab thanks cupcake :D :D"
i used to reply like that.
nowadays, i just pretend to be happy, fake the smile, the laughter.
its all forced.
inside im like a shell. overdramatic i know.
i am prone to being overdramatic.
but thats the only way to describe it.
all my feelings have gone and i dont know what im meant to do.

i was in a relationship for 8 months, and went straight from that, into another one with someone else.
but now im back to where i was a year ago.
april 3rd. the day i changed and became so so much happier with myself and my life. when i was optimistic and loved just being alive.

but now im alone, now i have noone, i just exist.
everyday feels like a chore.
i dont want to do anything.
i just want to curl up in bed forever and think.
i told myself i wouldnt let myself think much anymore because it just causes anxiety and doubt..but thats all i can do.
i cant even be bothered to think now.

i had a dream last night but i cant remember what about.
i told lh as soon as i woke up.

its been a good weekend, i should be extremely happy.
but im back in my boring routine.
wake up, college, home, eat, sleep.
i dont go out anymore.
bibbs's always busy, she does have a boyf now to worry about.
and i honestly dont have anyone else.
i could meet up with scot, but he has a tendancy to bring me down even more, though that's not usually intentional..if it ever is at all.
who else have i got?

july ♥ im holding out til then.
the month lh moves in with her dad and i have a reason to smile again.

xx