that thoughtful mood

it's been a stressful week.
so many arguments, tears, feelings..
i'm quite drained.

it's been 2 months since i last self harmed.
when i think of it like that, it scares the shit out of me..
everything has changed.
it used to be just me and Jee. and eventually Mali.
that was it. us three were the only ones who knew when i did it, how bad/how many..
now everybody knows.
and that's weird....
if someone had told me a year ago that everyone i know would know..i don't think i would've believed them tbh.
it's good that im in recovery.
i just wish the months would slow down.
dates are a trigger..i never even realised until i was stuck in the "get-to-a-month-and-slip-up" rut which lasted...idk..ages...months and months...
ha.
it's weird.

i just realised why i don't like writing to this..
i always sound so depressive and down, haha!
in general day-to-day life i'm more than content.
i guess it's just the bad side of me that comes out in this blog xD

i want some baggy jeans.
and baggy tops.
and my mum's sweater she's refusing to give me.
and some DM's.
and some mints.
and a snuggle.

shall stick some pics on.

i love you Hayley <33 xxx

rare.

my head is spinning with everything.
there's too much to think of.
i need to get university stuff sorted.
and pass my gcse maths.
as well as doing all my resubs for college.
and a ton of new assignments.
it's too much.
im just ignoring it all at the moment.
hoping it'll go away.
though i know it won't.

i haven't SH'ed since...March 27th.. that's nearly 2 months.
impressive for me.
this is the longest it's been in about a year.
doesn't mean the urges have stopped.
when i was speaking to Emma about it the other week...when she did it.
it triggered me unbelievably.
i was eyeing up where my blade is...
but i didn't.

i don't want people to be ashamed of me now.
i don't want them to look at me and just see me for the scars.
i don't want them to be disappointed when i tell them i've cut.

so i went to sleep in a grumpy mood.
woke up in a grumpy mood.
got on the bus and managed to get myself to a neutral state.
can't be doing with Emma today, she was pissing me off.
Liiv and her lot perked me up. they're absolutely insane xD
Tish and Steph were just burping at each other for ages....they're such ladies.
i went into a really weird mood at lunch, i sat for about an hour just completely zoned out in my own world, pure thinking..
i got to hold a baby spiny mouse though, which cheered me up loads :D
plus speaking to my girl always makes me feel better <3
and my phone background is a HAPPYCUPCAKEWITHLOLLIPOPSANDSWEETIES AHHHHHH! >w<
Friday i'm going up to Preston to visit my cousins :) can't wait, Diff and Cam are lovely.
just means i don't get to see gayface until Monday :/ boo..
tonight i'm going to eat some Weetabix, watch some Family Guy and get some sleep.
and dream about my love......i miss her....

night sexies.
i love you Hayley.
xxx

i just came to say hello.

while i'm on here i'll do an update, seeing as i never post nowadays.
probably why i'm so stressed all the time.
could do me good to write to this again..

so me and Emma split up, and we had a MASSIVE fallout the other day.
but she text me earlier telling me she'd self harmed...and so i don't know what's happening.
i can't morally ditch her after she's told me that.

i'm with someone again now, and much much much happier :) happier than i have been for a longggggg time. i don't even remember such a good relationship. it's still early, but im smitten <3
ohand she's called Hayley :P

college is stressing me out big time. ive got so many assignments to do, shitloads of work ex to catch up on that im dreading and my maths GCSE to retake next month. ugh, just, ugh.
it's too much.

JeeJee is out of hospital :)
i'm happy....but a bit tentative. i don't know how she's feeling right now..
she always seems so happy, but i know what she's like deep down.
i wish i could help her.
i wish i could take all the pain away.

Lh is still ignoring me, though we spoke for about 2 days via Facebook inbox. which resulted in her being homophobic and slagging off my appearance...saying "doesn't look like you've changed for the better".
i mean what the fuck? i started the year by taking an OD because i couldn't cope with how my life was going. i had to go to counselling for months because i wouldn't stop self harming and my Mum ended up making me stay at my Dad's for a little while....and my best friend has been on a psychiatric ward since January.
and you're talking about my fucking hair?!
i dont give a shit now.
or at least i wish i didn't.

i'll be glad when i move to Lincoln.
except for leaving Hayley, Jee and the Broomies.....

at least i'm happier now.