doctor doctor it's getting worse again.

its coming back.
like a lurking presence.
the feeling of being completely overwhelmed.
it came back just.
....
and now nothing.
something in my freaky body blocks everything.

if you ignore it, it'll go away.
it's not real.
this isn't actually me.

i don't feel like me.
it doesn't feel like all this shit has happened to me.
it's like im looking down on someone's life and things tend to cock up for them.

tears.

...
x

swept under your mum.

my birthday was fun. :)
party was coooool and got some lovely prezzys...

just feeling a little...meh..atm.
have been since about 4 tbh...
my mood went rate downhill after Lh left..

hm.

do you actually want me to go along too?..
it doesn't feel like it...

x

the original whorechild.

jeepers creepers, i haven't written on this properly in aaaages man :o

thought i'd treat all you little bloggers to a post (y)
mainly because a miss Ellie Martin told me to a few weeks back at George's party ><>

so im going to the doctors tomorrow...funfun.
mum tried to book me into counselling but you have to get a doc's referral first or something...
so it's gonna be larfs all round tomo...
not looking forward to it at alll.
i love my doctor..but when i tried to talk to him about my mirror phobia before, he just gave me such a look..urgh....-cringe-

i think there's an moth in my pants....D:

saturday..hmm...OH it's nanny's birthday :) so myself, my nanny (obvs), Arwah, my Uncle Mike, my mum and my mum's boyfriend are going out for a meal :) a carvery...of course.
i don't even like carverys all that much? :<..>

sunday ill be at my daddyooooo's. hopefully picking up my prezzys..tho im not too hopeful as on Tuesday he asked what i wanted...o____o...7 days before Father? ragh!

monday, im appa meeting Annie and Jee in Derby at around 2pm to pick 'em up. charmin, i have to pay to go and pick them up, despite them knowing how to get to mine? xD plus Jee never meets me in chez >___> cheeky sod.
nvm, i dont mind that much. i'd just get bored and fidgety waiting for them anyhoo :L

need to arrange when Bibbs is gonna get to mine also...and K's coming sometime in the evening i reckon?
then...sleepoveeeerrrrrrr!!!! :D

tuesday, my birthday! ♥ woowoowoo.
17...scary man. :
16 was bad 'nuff D:
you can't be immature at 17.....:L

btyh, im really happy with my muvverrr (y) she's kindly agreed to sleepover her boyf's monday and tuesday so i have 'nuff room for people sleeping...and she's buying some drinks :o which i wasnt expecting her to do! ...hmm..need to force her to take me shopping tomo...i wanted some pink and black stripey tights...god knows where im gonna find them!!! >_<..

...hmmm...noone's talking now :L

sometimes it feels like everyone is ganging up on me...
everyone's so desperate to talk to me about my "problem" with SH...everyone wants to know why and all the reasons......and literally everyone is getting involved.
my mum, my dad, my boyfriend's mother???!! my auntie, my cousin, my best friends..now my doctor..then a counsellor....aaarghhhhhhh.
but noone understands?
well..some people do...
Jee does.
and i know Mali does..but i don't talk to her often so it doesn't count really.
i just wish everyone would get off my back a bit.
Bibbs and Lh are 'worried' or w.e.
ditto my 'rents.
ditto EVERYONE.
it's like it's a new thing..a new occurance...
like it hasn't been going on for months....11 of them infact..
and it's only just kicking off..and i don't like it.
if it was so bad..i wouldn't be happily..ish.....sitting at the computer now.
it's been overexaggerated and it's just making it worse.
im only not now because there's so many people 'keeping an eye on me' that it's not worth being found out....

everyone tells me they're disappointed in me, or begs me to stop, or tells other people that i've changed and they want the old me back.....

i understand that everyone is upset about it....but what about me?
don't they think it doesn't hurt me to know they've been saying that?
to know they're disappointed or worried and begging me to stop.
or saying to my family that i've changed....beyond recognition?
IM STILL HERE.
........
im just a little different.

it's my body.
it's my life.
ill tell who i want.
just leave me be....

it's not even that bad...i don't usually do it everyday....only when im going through a rough patch.
it isn't seriously injuring me.
hardly scarring me..
only sometimes.
in 5 years, noone will know.

i don't have any reasons.
it's noone's fault.
it's only mine, and i accept full responsibilty.
so please everyone, stop trying to take that from me....
in the politest way possible, it's got nothing to do with you.

and just because i don't confide in you..doesn't mean i dont love you.
aimed at Lh and Bibbs.
you guys have been my best friends for years and years....9year and 6 years infact...
i owe both of you so so much....
but you don't understand..
and im glad you don't.
because i dont want you in my mess.
i don't want to drag you down with me!
im still here. ♥
i just can't tell you about it.... because you get upset..or angry....
and i can't be responsible for that....because it'll just make it a hundred times worse....

JeeJee, you seem to be the only person who understands me these days...though you still don't understand 100%.
but if i don't..how can i expect anyone else?
thankyou so much for everything you've done.
♥

im gonna beat this....
i don't know how long it will take...
because i don't want to stop.
and i still need it.
my view of everything is probably 'clouded' or w.e.

-sigh-

pip pip xx