[instrumental]

today's been alright tbh.
was super to see everyone.
missed them more than i'd realised.
bit weird in farming, but soon got back into routine.

the whole texting thing in behaviour was funny :L
daft sods. ♥

"hello, ive waited here for you, everlong".
good grief havent listened to this in months :o

well...
safari park tomooooo :)
getting taken to le cinema on thursday..and how to train your dragon is out tomo so i wanna go see ittttt!!!!! :D plus bibbs is sleeping.
friday, whole day with bibbs :3
sat, seeing lh ;D
sun, at dad's.

...and i dunno for the rest of the week :L

weekend starting 22nd (tech the thurs but we dont have col on fridays) is gonna be MINT :D :D :D
annie is sleeping the whole weekend :L
funnnn x]

writing t'other blog now.
so..jee and mali can read it :L
but thats it x]
lmao nothing interested.

and no, sorry, im not telling you yet :3

xxx

sweet love of mine..♫

ive cheered up a considerable amount today.
which is good. :)

scot's party failed.
ended up me with lou/luke. ¬_¬
as much as i love both of them, and love hanging out with them..i cant cope sitting next to them alone while they make out.
gah.

listening to mcfly now? :L

im gonna get killed for my fail attempt at farming...

xx

malison...

that song is very apt for the way ive been feeling.
thankyou. ♥

in better news, im in the final of miss derby.
should be good :)

a day to myself tomorrow....thats gonna be..........interesting.
sleeping over lou's though. ♥

xx

that changes everything.

i found out things last night that have haunted me all day.
im crying for her.
♥ x

are you ok?

people are always asking me if im alright these days.
and i wish i could reply with something optimistic and cheery like "yes im fabbity fab thanks cupcake :D :D"
i used to reply like that.
nowadays, i just pretend to be happy, fake the smile, the laughter.
its all forced.
inside im like a shell. overdramatic i know.
i am prone to being overdramatic.
but thats the only way to describe it.
all my feelings have gone and i dont know what im meant to do.

i was in a relationship for 8 months, and went straight from that, into another one with someone else.
but now im back to where i was a year ago.
april 3rd. the day i changed and became so so much happier with myself and my life. when i was optimistic and loved just being alive.

but now im alone, now i have noone, i just exist.
everyday feels like a chore.
i dont want to do anything.
i just want to curl up in bed forever and think.
i told myself i wouldnt let myself think much anymore because it just causes anxiety and doubt..but thats all i can do.
i cant even be bothered to think now.

i had a dream last night but i cant remember what about.
i told lh as soon as i woke up.

its been a good weekend, i should be extremely happy.
but im back in my boring routine.
wake up, college, home, eat, sleep.
i dont go out anymore.
bibbs's always busy, she does have a boyf now to worry about.
and i honestly dont have anyone else.
i could meet up with scot, but he has a tendancy to bring me down even more, though that's not usually intentional..if it ever is at all.
who else have i got?

july ♥ im holding out til then.
the month lh moves in with her dad and i have a reason to smile again.

xx

miss derby.

hallooo all :)
im in a super good mood now :D
its brilliant ^_^

just finished my pass for health so dont have to worry about that :D

well...
ill explain all...

got there few mins late cause mum took a wrong turning, there was two other girls with mums/friends, so we sat down next to them. random girl came along, gave us some leaflets, i had to fill out this form thing, then this woman from radio derby came along, interviewed the girl next to me briefly, then asked if she could interview me and i said yeah, so spoke to her for a while..which ended up being scarier than the actual interview with kate! (organised of miss derby) :L :L her mic was recording it! lmaoooo. then she interviewed my mum. my number (39) got called out, and i went in to the interview room. kate was really nice actually, and there was another woman next to her who was really nice too :) us three just full on grinned the whole time for like 15 mins :L made her laugh by showing her my eyebrow dance (appa im gonna do that for the talent round if i get through to the final! :L good grief)..then chatted about college and everything. told her about castrating lambs at college and she grimaced :L finished the interview, payed her a tenner, got more forms, went through to have my headshot done. had to wait around for 10 mins because his camera had broke. took the headshot, looked ok, so said bye, radio derby was taking photos of him taking photos of me :L also she recorded my interview! and missed the first bit so she made me come back in to say hello and introduce myself again! lmao! :L that was just weird!!!...anyway..she came over to me before i left, asked me how i think it went, if it was scary, what happens next etc, then i said bye to everyone again and left :L

so...monday, radio derby, between 7 and 9 am..listen out! ill be on it :L lmao! x]

it was scary being recorded :L paha.

so...lh's birthday today :D :D
im getting picked up between 3.30 and 4pm :D
then probs goin back to hers for a snack/get ready..and goin to sheffield with her, james, russ and kel to see ICE HOCKEY :D:D:D
go panthers!!! x]

im glad i have this bliss to fall back into atm.
modelling always cheers me up <3

i dont think ill get through to the finals though.
the girls there were really pretty!
and there was a full on tarty girl before me who was like size 4 with huge boobs :s and HUGE hair and huge makeup! :L but she cant be a glamour model cause you're not allowed to have public photos of yourself topless/nude in this competition :P pahaha xD

well..toodle pip :D
xxxxx

paranoia

Eisoptrophobia: An abnormal and persistent fear of mirrors. Sufferers experience undue anxiety even though they realize their fear is irrational. Because their fear often is grounded in superstitions, they may worry that breaking a mirror will bring bad luck or that looking into a mirror will put them in contact with a supernatural world inside the glass.

thankyou bibbs for telling me the name of that. :) ♥

well..that's part of what i have. :L

it's been an interesting week.
it's gone really quickly actually. O_o
next week i wont have annie or jee.
hmm...

i got to hold some lambs tho on tuesday :)

its friday.
my day off.
my mum doesnt work fridays either now.
but she's out at nanny's.

ive got miss derby semifinals tomo morning.
really cba.
nice time for my skin to break out.
¬_¬

so superficial.

i had an epiphany the other day.
but i cant remember what about.

everyone kept bugging me yesterday.
lois randomly said at lunch "if josh asked you out again, what would you say?"
...dunno.
yesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoyesno.....

ugh.
it would be so much more convinient if ...oh i dont know.
i dont even know what i was gonna write?

its never convinent.
since when is love convinent.
especially for me.

meant to be doing health but cba.
ill do it in a bit.

bleurgh.

made a heart plushie last night.
took me about 3 hours, and its still shit :L
will put a pic of it on here when i can.
...be arsed..that is :L

"oh amy. rehab never looked so good. i cant wait. im going back. haha. wooo."

xx

but my heart is still wide open.

♫ i cant stop dont care if i lose, baby you are the weapon i choose, these wounds are self inflicted, im going down in flames for you, baby you are the weapon i choose, these wounds are self inflicted.

"an ocean, of emotion, my heart rips me wide open" = me.

well...i cba to write to this blog really :L
been alright today.
jee wasnt in, and nor was izzy, so had a loooot of cleaning.
gave me time to think.
which is really all that good :s
im gonna be a crazy cat lady when im older, distracting myself from thinking by playing with cats :L
currently trying to convince mum to have this gorgey cat called Shaun (Y)
i want a tomcat :( plus he's long haired ;o gorgey porgey.

i have a new blog.
the url is.......
MWAHAHAHA.
no.
im not writing my new blog's url on here.
not yet anyway.
because i dont want anyone to read it :)
just thought i'd tease you all ;)
when everything's over..i MAY post it.
might not.
try and guess the url if you like..you'll never get it.

xx

shoop shoop shoop shoop..

ive been in a better mood today.
funny day at work exp. :)
when we dropped jee off, izzy and i were left in the car for about 10 minutes while our boss went and dropped a cat off at someone's house..and the shoop shoop song - cher came on..and we started mad dancing :L it was hilarious :D :D

*sigh*

this is so not fair.

....ugh.

off to dad's in 20 mins.

xx

ill follow you until you love me..

hulloooo.
well..didnt feel v.well today..so didnt go into work.
all ive done today is plan my outfit for saturday...make a list (annie would be v.proud!) and watch shameless :L
my mum's going away in like april time..sooo..HOUSE PARTY :P
hahahaha x]
only a few people..dont want the place wrecked O_o

ooo muse ♫

bleh..got belly ache.

bibbs came round last night, was groovy to chat to her again :)
ive missed her ♥
had a good natter about lads...and bush babys :L and found some HORRIBLE photos of me O_o and she's stolen the worst one :( :( :( if she keeps it for her private amusement..its alright..but if she dares show it to anyone..i will have to hunt her down :L

havent spoken to jee yet today..but she's working all day.

this weekend is gonna be fabbity fab with a million and one knobs on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
right....

Today -
Pop into ilkeston/derby to go to the bank.
Pack overnight bag.
Go to Lh's.

Tomo -
LAY IN!!
Just a lazy day.
Get the bus from Lh's to ilkeston, then go straight over to Bibbs's.
Get dressed up in Alice-themed wear.
Get the r2 to notts, go to cornerhouse to see alice in wonderland (ooft johhny depp!)
Get back to Bibbs's and sleepover.

Sunday -
Get up freakishly early at like 7.
Get the bus into Derby.
Meet Izzy and Annie at around 9am.
Get the bus to Annies.
Go to twycross!!!
Get back to Annies and get a lift off Izzy's mum to mine.
....SLEEP!! :L

ahhh fun times :D

xx

cause we'll go out in style.

bah..ive got a bloody headache again :(
in a better mood today..been funny.
really ought to get some assignments done..but cba!! :L

erm...
not actually sure what to write :L
gonna put some music on..despite my headache.
right..wheres the calpol?

...took some calpol now.
erlack..it doesnt taste nice :L
six plus (Y) strawberry flavoured. i dont like the orange one x]
nomming on a digestive to wash the taste away :L

hmm..well mum isnt back for like 45 minutes.
and then im hiding upstairs :L
my hairdressers coming round to cut my mum's hair..and she doesnt know that i secretly hacked away at my locks and put in loads of really short layers..so now i have a mullet going on and its really obvious :L

im just browsing random things on deviantart.
boreddddddd.

went out on my trampoline earlier.
bounced about 5 times, til i realised how unfit i am..also was getting a random pain in my chest..kinda like my heart was smashing into my ribcage..so i stopped and layed down for half an hour. but i didnt know the trampoline was damp..and so the front of my jumper is now soaking. :L leaving it to dry in the sun. (Y) (not outside)

got bibbs coming round tonight, be nice to see her :) also sleeping over lh's tomo...and going to the zoo on sunday :D
ooo..that reminds me..need to text dad to let him know :L

nomming on coco pops.
owww my throat hurts :'(

theres a coco pop stuck in my brace :(....got it xD

im not gross.....:L

ive just been pondering about how much ive changed since school..in just a couple of months ;o
so so so much.
i dunno which me i like better...hmm

toodles xx