no feelings..

hey there.


well, ive finally realised that me and josh are over.
i spoke to him last night too.
that was.....hard. :/
this whole thing is like what i went through this january with matt....but about 1000 times worse.
my whole being hurts.
and i havent been able to breathe in a while.





went to see new moon today.
that was a mistake.
ive always said ...him and edward share some qualities, just the mannerisms.
and it reminded me of him.
flinching.





i came out of the cinema back in my zombie state.
not particularly nice.





now ive got time to think about him again.
........i dont have any words to describe this sense of loss.
its like nothing ive ever experienced.
no pain, just numbness, absolutely nothing.
i can feel that i should be feeling things, pain, upset, love for my friends, gratefulness.
but i cant feel anything.





i dont want to love again.



i havent decided how im gonna get through this yet.
im still working on a plan.
at the moment, im just keeping myself busy all the time.
thats why im looking forward to college tomorrow.
being around people always cheers me up.
but noone understands just how much this hurts.
i put on a brave face.





even though scot says he's felt heartbreak before.
i dont think he's had it like this, not with me anyway.



i think my cut's gonna scar.
i hope not.





and music.
i cant listen to love songs.



it hurts to hear louise talk about him.





everything about my life this year has been about him.
since april.
i cant even remember what i was like before then.





he doesnt love me.
he may care about me enough to not want to hurt my feelings.
but thats it.





i dont know if it's a good or bad thing that he doesnt.
good because i can try and get over it.
bad because it hurts.





i decided on a clean break.
ouch.



muse.
they're safe.
my personal haven.
and fall out boy.
thank god for their pointless songs that noone can understand.





short term, i breathe, eat, drink, sleep, be brave.
long term, i cant see what's gonna happen.
and i dont like being blind.
its worrying.





i was right.
i told them i was gonna end up malicious.
i am.
im sorry scot for being nasty.
get on with your life.
noone deserves me as such a burden.





but ill find someone else to burden with my problems.
thats inevitable.
im such a nasty person.
i dont mean to be.





i guess this is my just dessert.
yey.

p.s. here come the tears..