Fuck

Blogspot has changed SO much.. i don't know how to use it anymore haha!

I don't use this blog anymore, but i thought it only right to post at least once this year, and i might as well do it at 3.50am instead of sleeping.

A lot of shit has happened over the past few years. Some of it good, some not so.
I'm living back with Mum again, but we live with Neil in Mansfield now.
My room is tiny and i have bunk beds.
Tilly is at the bottom of my feet asleep.

It's four years later, and suddenly i find myself in nearly the same place as i was back then.
Slightly baffling, and i think me and Josh are both quite confused about how we ended up here but, it's nice.

You see, i don't know what to write here anymore. I don't talk about my feelings often, and only when i've been prodded/pressured to do so, or i'm battered.
After Lh left, i was a shell of a being. I barely remember 2011, i just know i stayed in my bedroom for most of it. And 2010 was just a big shitheap regardless.
Last year was okay, it was fun. August was good.
But anyway, after the whole Lh thing, i guess i kind of closed up. And i haven't opened fully since.
I feel things again now, i suppose that's the only useful side effect of my contraceptive injection. The rush of emotions at first was horrible though, i was crying over everything!

..... I just tried really hard to open up and all i've written is that i'm "quite confused".. i thought i'd written loads!

Right...
Tonight i feel:
Tired (very VERY tired), confused.... that's it really! I'm neither here nor there.

God i'm shattered. I have the last day of my ECDL course tomorrow, yippeeeee...

I might do another post at some point this year.. we'll see. I'll probably forget.

x

Hello 2012

Wow, this website sure has changed since i last came on here in October.
About 8 months have passed since then, and a lot has happened.
I dropped out of uni in January this year, and i've been with Lauren Winnard since the 15th of November last year.
I live with her and her mum/brother in Chesterfield.
I've made some amazing best friends, Leighann, Evie, Jack and Luke...and we've had some absolutely amazing gatherings.
Lh still isn't talking to me properly, though she mentioned to my Mum that she's considering speaking to me now..

It's absolutely drained me. A year and a half of mourning....
I don't think i'll ever get over it, i think i'll get used to it, but there'll always be that twinge of pain, that little niggle.

I'll put a couple of pics on here...if i can work out how to do that!
Lora x

I won't cry for you.

Hello all..
Well...nobody. Seeing as nobody reads my blog. Which i don't mind.
I didn't create a blog for it to be read by the hundreds, just as somewhere to store my thoughts and rantings.

I'm at Uni now...
And it's different to what i expected.
I suppose i should have guessed i'm a bit of a social recluse these days, but never mind.

I had an initial counselling assessment today...that was..long. And tiresome.
Ha.
They always ask the same questions.
It's particularly tiresome having to tell someone literally EVERYTHING from scratch, ugh!

I'm also considering going to my GP and speaking to him/her about things.

We'll see.

I have a girlfriend called Aareefah now.
She's literally the loveliest person i've ever dated, so bubbly.

noone ever said it would be so hard.

ugh

this feels like hell.
i can't breathe.
i can't think.
i don't know how to feel...or how i'm meant to be feeling.

i feel utterly alone for the first time in my life ever.
i've always had someone there ALL the time...that's how i like things to be.
and now...i don't have that.
Gale loves me, poor lass.
i do love her. but i'm tainted. i haven't gotten over Hayley and she knows that.
i don't even think i've gotten over Emma.
i always seems to get over her, and then my feelings will re-emerge from absolutely nowhere.
anyway..she's with Leaa (my ex) now so she's happy. she's a lot happier now than when we were together...so i'm happy for her.

Hayley's after this Imogen lass. who i swear has a girlfriend already....
she keeps posting shit on Tumblr and she knows it gets to me.
so i deleted her off Facebook, because she posts stuff on there too...and it was just getting too much.
she keeps inboxing me asking why i've deleted her, and i'm yet to reply.
i'm still hurting too bad to want to talk to her.
i don't deal with breakups well.
infact i don't deal with them at all, i jump back into another relationship! ha...

so....this is my last few weeks of living at home.
i'll be moving to university come september time....eurghhh. scary.
hopefully i'll meet some interesting people there though.
quite looking forward to it....but scared!

i turn 18 in a week.
that's even scarier!
i've had this blog since i was 15, ha! 3 years..
so much has changed.

keep having the recurring dreams about Lh wanting to be friends again.
then i wake up and for a split second, i forget i'm in the real world.......and then it all comes rushing back. blah.

i cut off all my hair. it's pretty short now..like, just rests on my shoulders.
but i wear it in pigtails so it looks even shorter, ha.

seems like it's time for me to grow up.
i don't want to....and i'm barely coping as it is.
as soon as i get to uni, i'm signing up for counselling.
i need to get myself sorted once and for all, because i just know being at uni and not having to worry about hiding cuts from Mum/Dad will mean i'll be about 92549523 X more tempted to do something silly...hm.

Derby Pride on Saturday.
Notts Pride was mint t'other week <3

will stick some recent snaps on.

Lora <3

formspring.me

ask away you sexy minxes! http://formspring.me/missloraamy

my unexciting life.

yesterday i had a really good day.
i went to Derby with Hayley and got my anti-tragus pierced.
which KILLED!!!!
cartilage piercings always feel dead hot for ages after, like there's a naked flame right next to it x__x

anyhoo, i was fine all of last night..
and then i had a really weird dream this morning. it's been recurring for as long as i can remember...but i can only remember bits of it. but it was about Lh. i walked into her room and laid in her bed like it was completely normal, and in the dream i'd been doing that for months and she'd just been sitting at her makeup table with her back to me ignoring me.
but in this one, she actually turned around and looked at me. she got up, and came and sat on the bed next to me, smiled, and told me we'd start afresh. we hugged...and that's when i startled myself awake.
like, i really violently jumped in my sleep.
when i realised it was me who'd woken myself up, i remembered my dream and my mood just dropped in an instant.

i hate these dreams about her. they're so frustrating.
this whole situation is so frustrating!
i don't understand it!!
how come i have to suffer, it's me who has to cope with fucking dreams like that, and my family saying "ooh do you still see much of Laura?"
no. i fucking don't.
she doesn't want anything to do with me, ever.

if she meant everything she used to say, about loving me, about us being more than stepsisters and best friends...why isn't she hurting like i am?
she's my soulmate.
it's the only thing i've ever been sure of.
the only person i've always been able to rely on.

now that's gone.
and i still don't feel like me, 9 months on.

formspring.me

ask away you sexy minxes! http://formspring.me/missloraamy

that thoughtful mood

it's been a stressful week.
so many arguments, tears, feelings..
i'm quite drained.

it's been 2 months since i last self harmed.
when i think of it like that, it scares the shit out of me..
everything has changed.
it used to be just me and Jee. and eventually Mali.
that was it. us three were the only ones who knew when i did it, how bad/how many..
now everybody knows.
and that's weird....
if someone had told me a year ago that everyone i know would know..i don't think i would've believed them tbh.
it's good that im in recovery.
i just wish the months would slow down.
dates are a trigger..i never even realised until i was stuck in the "get-to-a-month-and-slip-up" rut which lasted...idk..ages...months and months...
ha.
it's weird.

i just realised why i don't like writing to this..
i always sound so depressive and down, haha!
in general day-to-day life i'm more than content.
i guess it's just the bad side of me that comes out in this blog xD

i want some baggy jeans.
and baggy tops.
and my mum's sweater she's refusing to give me.
and some DM's.
and some mints.
and a snuggle.

shall stick some pics on.

i love you Hayley <33 xxx

rare.

my head is spinning with everything.
there's too much to think of.
i need to get university stuff sorted.
and pass my gcse maths.
as well as doing all my resubs for college.
and a ton of new assignments.
it's too much.
im just ignoring it all at the moment.
hoping it'll go away.
though i know it won't.

i haven't SH'ed since...March 27th.. that's nearly 2 months.
impressive for me.
this is the longest it's been in about a year.
doesn't mean the urges have stopped.
when i was speaking to Emma about it the other week...when she did it.
it triggered me unbelievably.
i was eyeing up where my blade is...
but i didn't.

i don't want people to be ashamed of me now.
i don't want them to look at me and just see me for the scars.
i don't want them to be disappointed when i tell them i've cut.

so i went to sleep in a grumpy mood.
woke up in a grumpy mood.
got on the bus and managed to get myself to a neutral state.
can't be doing with Emma today, she was pissing me off.
Liiv and her lot perked me up. they're absolutely insane xD
Tish and Steph were just burping at each other for ages....they're such ladies.
i went into a really weird mood at lunch, i sat for about an hour just completely zoned out in my own world, pure thinking..
i got to hold a baby spiny mouse though, which cheered me up loads :D
plus speaking to my girl always makes me feel better <3
and my phone background is a HAPPYCUPCAKEWITHLOLLIPOPSANDSWEETIES AHHHHHH! >w<
Friday i'm going up to Preston to visit my cousins :) can't wait, Diff and Cam are lovely.
just means i don't get to see gayface until Monday :/ boo..
tonight i'm going to eat some Weetabix, watch some Family Guy and get some sleep.
and dream about my love......i miss her....

night sexies.
i love you Hayley.
xxx

i just came to say hello.

while i'm on here i'll do an update, seeing as i never post nowadays.
probably why i'm so stressed all the time.
could do me good to write to this again..

so me and Emma split up, and we had a MASSIVE fallout the other day.
but she text me earlier telling me she'd self harmed...and so i don't know what's happening.
i can't morally ditch her after she's told me that.

i'm with someone again now, and much much much happier :) happier than i have been for a longggggg time. i don't even remember such a good relationship. it's still early, but im smitten <3
ohand she's called Hayley :P

college is stressing me out big time. ive got so many assignments to do, shitloads of work ex to catch up on that im dreading and my maths GCSE to retake next month. ugh, just, ugh.
it's too much.

JeeJee is out of hospital :)
i'm happy....but a bit tentative. i don't know how she's feeling right now..
she always seems so happy, but i know what she's like deep down.
i wish i could help her.
i wish i could take all the pain away.

Lh is still ignoring me, though we spoke for about 2 days via Facebook inbox. which resulted in her being homophobic and slagging off my appearance...saying "doesn't look like you've changed for the better".
i mean what the fuck? i started the year by taking an OD because i couldn't cope with how my life was going. i had to go to counselling for months because i wouldn't stop self harming and my Mum ended up making me stay at my Dad's for a little while....and my best friend has been on a psychiatric ward since January.
and you're talking about my fucking hair?!
i dont give a shit now.
or at least i wish i didn't.

i'll be glad when i move to Lincoln.
except for leaving Hayley, Jee and the Broomies.....

at least i'm happier now.

eeny meeny miney mo.

i literally never post on here anymore.
i'll try to do more blogs.
i've just had a confusing past few months.

i'll try to talk you through the basics;
1. im gay.
2. which led me to break up with Luke.
3. i then got with Emma.
4. and she broke it off bc' she couldn't trust herself not to cheat etc.
5. i got with Liiv.
6. and broke it off with her because i still love Emma and Emma wanted me back. i knew i'd end up cheating on Liiv and i really didn't want to do that.
7. so now i'm with Emma again, hopefully for good this time. and Liiv hates me. and Emma. quite a bit.........x__X

stressful.
ill lob a pic of Emma on.
or a few.
feeling soppy.
as per.

i'm so tired.
i'm gonna' get a shower and go to bed.
ill post in a few days :)

Loraaaaa ^_^ x

Laura Ann Heard, 20th March 1994.

Laura Ann Heard.
child of Sally-Ann and Russ.
brother; Daniel.
half-sister; Emy.

about 5"3, naturally medium/dark blonde hair. size 8/10 with size 5/6 feet.
likes the colour green, muse, going to gigs, pizza with coleslaw, her boyfriend, dogs, horse riding, Friends and Blades of Glory.
lives in Heanor, originally from Blurton, Stoke and was born in Beeston.
used to fancy Bart Simpson and TJ from Recess.
likes indie-rock.
has the world's most frustrating camera that takes batteries instead of being charged.
has two dogs, Barney and Poppy.
lives with her Dad and soon-to-be-step-mum Kelly.

hm.

hello 2011...

howdy y'all....well..this is my first post of 2011.

i may start doing this blog more often, i forgot i enjoyed writing in it.

updates:

• i go out with a lovely lad called Luke Hart. we've been together for.....a month and..*works out*...11 days. ^_^



• myself and Luke just booked tickets to go see Murderdolls and Black Veil Brides at Rock City on Februrary the 13th.



• i got a netbook for christmas, along with lots of cupcake stuff, a few clothes, choccies and cute accessories :)



• i've been put on meds for the first time, funfun!



• Lh still isn't talking to me..it's been about 4 and a half months now.



• i'm really behind on my coursework...

soyeah.

i miss JeeJee.....
i don't know what to do with myself...hm.

i'm meant to be in the shower getting ready to go meet up with Luke but i really can't build up the effort to....

pip pip x

cross your mouth and hope to live.

there's been some good days this year.
going out round Chez, my birthday, George's party, sleepovers, trips to the cinema, days out..
there's also been some bad days.
overall....2010 hasn't been my favourite.
and if it wasn't for the good stuff..i'd say it's been the worse year so far.

there are no words to describe how i feel.
i float.
i get by...just.
i cope.

i can survive for now.
but i'm not enjoying it.

i don't want to see anyone...

but i force myself to.

she still won't talk to me.
it's been about 3 months now.
it's nearly christmas...
my first christmas without our friendship.
then my first new years.
we've never not spoken in so long.
we've never even not seen each other in so long.
in...9 and a half years...
i don't know what to do.

i should be happy.
i have a lovely boyfriend.
good friends.
a job.
3 university acceptances.
i'm getting my Maths GCSE finally next year.
i'm getting £1500 next year.
i turn 18 next year.
i start driving lessons soon.
and it's nearly christmas.

i can see why i could be happy.
but i'm not.
i'm dissatisifed because my life doesn't include her anymore.
and i would swap the rest of my life for one day of our friendship, over 70 more years without it...

favourite video viral?

favourite video viral?

Answer here

KoRn ♥

KoRn last night were AMAZING. ♥
i got some videos of them, but my gay phone hasn't came up with them -____-
it does that sometimes.
i know they're on my memory card..but it wont let me see 'em...& my pc can't recognise video/music files....so will have to wait 'til i'm either round someone's house or i get my laptop for xmas! xD we'll see which one comes first. ;)

they might appear before then anyway..that sometimes happens.

♫ a lonely life where noone understands you, but don't give up, because the music do.
^____^

the pics are up on facebook, but i'll attach a few onto this :)

it was really nice to meet Mali + Josh ^___^
bit scary to begin with 'cause i had to walk over to them and i was having a nervy b inside. :L
but they're both really nice :)
her and Josh make a super sweet couple.

hmmm i never know what to do on Mondays.
probably should be doing an assignment....but CEEEEEBS.
ugh. practical tomorrow.
-___-
butttttt dog grooming :D yey. ♥
i thoroughly enjoy that lesson ^_____^

i watched Bride Wars earlier for the first time and ended up bawling :
at the end, it was going on about finding that person who will always be there for you and understands yourself better than you do etc, they could come in the form of a spouse or best friend...........
the last bit was the bit that got me........
i don't really know what to do atm.
it's all very well Jee saying i have best friends, i have her, Bibbs + the college lot etc....
but you can't just wipe away 9 years?
NINE whole years of my life.
9 out of 17.
that's the majority of it.
over half of my life..
so i don't really know.....that's all i can say, it's hard to explain.
i'm just kind of floating about between people.

not that she cares.
she's obviously so caught up in him that our friendship doesn't mean anything to her anymore.
ho hum eh.
it's not me in the wrong.

i'm actually glad about going to Lincoln next year.
or wherever i'll end up going (but hopefully Lincoln!)...
just to get away from everything.
there's too many memories everywhere.
memories of everyone..of happier times.
i just need a fresh start.
so i'll trip my way through college.
& hopefully stumble into university next September..

ohand something i realised this morning....
i've been signed up for Functional Skills Maths on a Thursday evening, like 5.30-8 or something.....
but my counsellor said the Group Anxiety Therapy i've also been signed up for is on a Thursday evening...
and that i'm not allowed to miss any :.......
soooooooooo what am i meant to do?
if i miss Maths there's the risk of not getting into Uni or at least not onto the higher course.
but if i don't go to the anxiety group...i have to live with my head screwing around with me even longer.....they only do the group once every so often...and i'm not sure if the next one will be on a different day......

so i really don't know what to do................
advice would be welcome.
kthx.

xx

the pussycat dolls version of Tainted Love is SHOCKING.

why am i listening to this? -___- it's SHIITTTTEEEEEEEEE.

hello bloggers. thought i'd treat you with a post seeing as i don't think i've posted since August :)
a lot has happened :L
everything's kinda floaty atm.
me and Lh have fallen out BIGTIME.
we haven't spoke in like 3 weeks.......

Izzy's bday on Sunday.
and KoRn on Sunday night!!!! :D
Vati's driving me up to Manchester and back! ♥ i lavv himmm ^-^

need to buy IzBiz some mice/winter white hamster tomorrow...>.<.

why the hell am i listening to Rihanna? Pon De Replay...AND it's the "Full Phatt Version"...
dearlord..:
BIBBS. i'm shocked you have this on your itunes!!! xD

i get to meet Mali on Sunday. :o
will be nice :D hopefully not awkward : i'll hide behind Jee >.<>

rate looking forward to it :D

have bought Jee 5 things so far for her birffday (y)
ooo i do splash out on her! i never buy so much for one person!
mainly because i can't afford it! :L

muchooo lovooooo all you sexy minxes.
i'll do a blog monday to tell you about meeting Mali+Josh and KoRn :D

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

doctor doctor it's getting worse again.

its coming back.
like a lurking presence.
the feeling of being completely overwhelmed.
it came back just.
....
and now nothing.
something in my freaky body blocks everything.

if you ignore it, it'll go away.
it's not real.
this isn't actually me.

i don't feel like me.
it doesn't feel like all this shit has happened to me.
it's like im looking down on someone's life and things tend to cock up for them.

tears.

...
x

swept under your mum.

my birthday was fun. :)
party was coooool and got some lovely prezzys...

just feeling a little...meh..atm.
have been since about 4 tbh...
my mood went rate downhill after Lh left..

hm.

do you actually want me to go along too?..
it doesn't feel like it...

x