Fuck

Blogspot has changed SO much.. i don't know how to use it anymore haha!

I don't use this blog anymore, but i thought it only right to post at least once this year, and i might as well do it at 3.50am instead of sleeping.

A lot of shit has happened over the past few years. Some of it good, some not so.
I'm living back with Mum again, but we live with Neil in Mansfield now.
My room is tiny and i have bunk beds.
Tilly is at the bottom of my feet asleep.

It's four years later, and suddenly i find myself in nearly the same place as i was back then.
Slightly baffling, and i think me and Josh are both quite confused about how we ended up here but, it's nice.

You see, i don't know what to write here anymore. I don't talk about my feelings often, and only when i've been prodded/pressured to do so, or i'm battered.
After Lh left, i was a shell of a being. I barely remember 2011, i just know i stayed in my bedroom for most of it. And 2010 was just a big shitheap regardless.
Last year was okay, it was fun. August was good.
But anyway, after the whole Lh thing, i guess i kind of closed up. And i haven't opened fully since.
I feel things again now, i suppose that's the only useful side effect of my contraceptive injection. The rush of emotions at first was horrible though, i was crying over everything!

..... I just tried really hard to open up and all i've written is that i'm "quite confused".. i thought i'd written loads!

Right...
Tonight i feel:
Tired (very VERY tired), confused.... that's it really! I'm neither here nor there.

God i'm shattered. I have the last day of my ECDL course tomorrow, yippeeeee...

I might do another post at some point this year.. we'll see. I'll probably forget.

x

Hello 2012

Wow, this website sure has changed since i last came on here in October.
About 8 months have passed since then, and a lot has happened.
I dropped out of uni in January this year, and i've been with Lauren Winnard since the 15th of November last year.
I live with her and her mum/brother in Chesterfield.
I've made some amazing best friends, Leighann, Evie, Jack and Luke...and we've had some absolutely amazing gatherings.
Lh still isn't talking to me properly, though she mentioned to my Mum that she's considering speaking to me now..

It's absolutely drained me. A year and a half of mourning....
I don't think i'll ever get over it, i think i'll get used to it, but there'll always be that twinge of pain, that little niggle.

I'll put a couple of pics on here...if i can work out how to do that!
Lora x

I won't cry for you.

Hello all..
Well...nobody. Seeing as nobody reads my blog. Which i don't mind.
I didn't create a blog for it to be read by the hundreds, just as somewhere to store my thoughts and rantings.

I'm at Uni now...
And it's different to what i expected.
I suppose i should have guessed i'm a bit of a social recluse these days, but never mind.

I had an initial counselling assessment today...that was..long. And tiresome.
Ha.
They always ask the same questions.
It's particularly tiresome having to tell someone literally EVERYTHING from scratch, ugh!

I'm also considering going to my GP and speaking to him/her about things.

We'll see.

I have a girlfriend called Aareefah now.
She's literally the loveliest person i've ever dated, so bubbly.

noone ever said it would be so hard.

ugh

this feels like hell.
i can't breathe.
i can't think.
i don't know how to feel...or how i'm meant to be feeling.

i feel utterly alone for the first time in my life ever.
i've always had someone there ALL the time...that's how i like things to be.
and now...i don't have that.
Gale loves me, poor lass.
i do love her. but i'm tainted. i haven't gotten over Hayley and she knows that.
i don't even think i've gotten over Emma.
i always seems to get over her, and then my feelings will re-emerge from absolutely nowhere.
anyway..she's with Leaa (my ex) now so she's happy. she's a lot happier now than when we were together...so i'm happy for her.

Hayley's after this Imogen lass. who i swear has a girlfriend already....
she keeps posting shit on Tumblr and she knows it gets to me.
so i deleted her off Facebook, because she posts stuff on there too...and it was just getting too much.
she keeps inboxing me asking why i've deleted her, and i'm yet to reply.
i'm still hurting too bad to want to talk to her.
i don't deal with breakups well.
infact i don't deal with them at all, i jump back into another relationship! ha...

so....this is my last few weeks of living at home.
i'll be moving to university come september time....eurghhh. scary.
hopefully i'll meet some interesting people there though.
quite looking forward to it....but scared!

i turn 18 in a week.
that's even scarier!
i've had this blog since i was 15, ha! 3 years..
so much has changed.

keep having the recurring dreams about Lh wanting to be friends again.
then i wake up and for a split second, i forget i'm in the real world.......and then it all comes rushing back. blah.

i cut off all my hair. it's pretty short now..like, just rests on my shoulders.
but i wear it in pigtails so it looks even shorter, ha.

seems like it's time for me to grow up.
i don't want to....and i'm barely coping as it is.
as soon as i get to uni, i'm signing up for counselling.
i need to get myself sorted once and for all, because i just know being at uni and not having to worry about hiding cuts from Mum/Dad will mean i'll be about 92549523 X more tempted to do something silly...hm.

Derby Pride on Saturday.
Notts Pride was mint t'other week <3

will stick some recent snaps on.

Lora <3

formspring.me

ask away you sexy minxes! http://formspring.me/missloraamy

my unexciting life.

yesterday i had a really good day.
i went to Derby with Hayley and got my anti-tragus pierced.
which KILLED!!!!
cartilage piercings always feel dead hot for ages after, like there's a naked flame right next to it x__x

anyhoo, i was fine all of last night..
and then i had a really weird dream this morning. it's been recurring for as long as i can remember...but i can only remember bits of it. but it was about Lh. i walked into her room and laid in her bed like it was completely normal, and in the dream i'd been doing that for months and she'd just been sitting at her makeup table with her back to me ignoring me.
but in this one, she actually turned around and looked at me. she got up, and came and sat on the bed next to me, smiled, and told me we'd start afresh. we hugged...and that's when i startled myself awake.
like, i really violently jumped in my sleep.
when i realised it was me who'd woken myself up, i remembered my dream and my mood just dropped in an instant.

i hate these dreams about her. they're so frustrating.
this whole situation is so frustrating!
i don't understand it!!
how come i have to suffer, it's me who has to cope with fucking dreams like that, and my family saying "ooh do you still see much of Laura?"
no. i fucking don't.
she doesn't want anything to do with me, ever.

if she meant everything she used to say, about loving me, about us being more than stepsisters and best friends...why isn't she hurting like i am?
she's my soulmate.
it's the only thing i've ever been sure of.
the only person i've always been able to rely on.

now that's gone.
and i still don't feel like me, 9 months on.

formspring.me

ask away you sexy minxes! http://formspring.me/missloraamy

that thoughtful mood

it's been a stressful week.
so many arguments, tears, feelings..
i'm quite drained.

it's been 2 months since i last self harmed.
when i think of it like that, it scares the shit out of me..
everything has changed.
it used to be just me and Jee. and eventually Mali.
that was it. us three were the only ones who knew when i did it, how bad/how many..
now everybody knows.
and that's weird....
if someone had told me a year ago that everyone i know would know..i don't think i would've believed them tbh.
it's good that im in recovery.
i just wish the months would slow down.
dates are a trigger..i never even realised until i was stuck in the "get-to-a-month-and-slip-up" rut which lasted...idk..ages...months and months...
ha.
it's weird.

i just realised why i don't like writing to this..
i always sound so depressive and down, haha!
in general day-to-day life i'm more than content.
i guess it's just the bad side of me that comes out in this blog xD

i want some baggy jeans.
and baggy tops.
and my mum's sweater she's refusing to give me.
and some DM's.
and some mints.
and a snuggle.

shall stick some pics on.

i love you Hayley <33 xxx

rare.

my head is spinning with everything.
there's too much to think of.
i need to get university stuff sorted.
and pass my gcse maths.
as well as doing all my resubs for college.
and a ton of new assignments.
it's too much.
im just ignoring it all at the moment.
hoping it'll go away.
though i know it won't.

i haven't SH'ed since...March 27th.. that's nearly 2 months.
impressive for me.
this is the longest it's been in about a year.
doesn't mean the urges have stopped.
when i was speaking to Emma about it the other week...when she did it.
it triggered me unbelievably.
i was eyeing up where my blade is...
but i didn't.

i don't want people to be ashamed of me now.
i don't want them to look at me and just see me for the scars.
i don't want them to be disappointed when i tell them i've cut.

so i went to sleep in a grumpy mood.
woke up in a grumpy mood.
got on the bus and managed to get myself to a neutral state.
can't be doing with Emma today, she was pissing me off.
Liiv and her lot perked me up. they're absolutely insane xD
Tish and Steph were just burping at each other for ages....they're such ladies.
i went into a really weird mood at lunch, i sat for about an hour just completely zoned out in my own world, pure thinking..
i got to hold a baby spiny mouse though, which cheered me up loads :D
plus speaking to my girl always makes me feel better <3
and my phone background is a HAPPYCUPCAKEWITHLOLLIPOPSANDSWEETIES AHHHHHH! >w<
Friday i'm going up to Preston to visit my cousins :) can't wait, Diff and Cam are lovely.
just means i don't get to see gayface until Monday :/ boo..
tonight i'm going to eat some Weetabix, watch some Family Guy and get some sleep.
and dream about my love......i miss her....

night sexies.
i love you Hayley.
xxx